When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!" was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.

If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?