When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.

A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.

There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, 'How good or how bad am I?' That's where courage comes in.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.