When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," . . . and hangs up.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.