Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.

She's as funny as a toothache

Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.