Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.

Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.

It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.

The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?