A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.