Eugene Mirman Quotes

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.

The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.

I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.

I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

I'm fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.

Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.

High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.

I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It's not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.