I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.

High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.