I come out before an audience and maybe my house burned down an hour ago, maybe my husband stayed out all night, but I stand there. ... I got them with me, right there in my hand and comfortable. That's my job, to make them comfortable, because if they wanted to be nervous they could have stayed home and added up their bills.

I'm a bad woman, but I'm damn good company.

Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?

Men always fall for frigid women because they put on the best show.

Love is like a card trick. After you know how it works, it's no fun any more.

Wrong is for other people.

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown, and they only want you to make them laugh.