Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals.

The wise people are in New York because the foolish went there first, that's the way the wise men make a living.

It [Thanksgiving] was founded by the Puritans to give thanks for bein' preserved from the Indians, an' we keep it to give thanks we are preserved from the Puritans.

Trust ivrybody-but cut th' cards.

The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.

Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

If ye live enough befure thirty ye won't care to live at all afther fifty.