It [Thanksgiving] was founded by the Puritans to give thanks for bein' preserved from the Indians, an' we keep it to give thanks we are preserved from the Puritans.

A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels by an iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large.

I niver knew a pollytician to go wrong ontil he's been contaminated by contact with a business man.

I care not who makes th' laws iv a nation, if I can get out an injunction.

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

High finance isn't burglary or obtaining money by false pretenses, but rather a judicious selection from the best features of those fine arts.