It [Thanksgiving] was founded by the Puritans to give thanks for bein' preserved from the Indians, an' we keep it to give thanks we are preserved from the Puritans.

There aint any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.

That is, no matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows th' iliction returns.

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

The last man that makes a joke owns it.

Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

There's always wan encouragin' thing about th' sad scientific facts that come out ivrv week in th' pa-apers. They're usually not thrue.