The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better - it is just turning around as usual.

Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

You can lade a man up to th' university, but ye can't make him think.

When the American people get through with the English language, it will look as if it had been run over by a musical comedy.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.

Work is work if you're paid to do it, and it's a pleasure if you pay to be allowed to do it.