Work is work if you're paid to do it, and it's a pleasure if you pay to be allowed to do it.

Meditation is a gift confined to unknown philosophers and cows. Others don't begin to think till they begin to talk or write.

Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals.

There's always wan encouragin' thing about th' sad scientific facts that come out ivrv week in th' pa-apers. They're usually not thrue.

Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night.

It must be a good thing to be good or ivrybody wudden't be pretendin' he was.