Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

If a man is wise, he gets rich an' if he gets rich, he gets foolish, or his wife does. That's what keeps the money movin' around.

You can lade a man up to th' university, but ye can't make him think.

No matter whether the Constitution follows the flag or not, the Supreme Court follows the election returns.

If Christian scientists had more science and doctors more Christianity, it wouldn't make any difference which you called in - if you had a good nurse.

The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better - it is just turning around as usual.

Drink never made a man better, but it has made many a man think he was better.