Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

The last man that makes a joke owns it.

There aint any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.

To most people a savage nation is wan that doesn't wear oncomf'rtable clothes.

Histhry is a post-mortem examination. It tellsye what a counthry died iv. But I'd like to know what it lived iv.

A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.