Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.

Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.

My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?

Violence is a tool of the ignorant.