Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.

My happiest memory of childhood was my first birthday in reform school. This teacher took an interest in me. In fact, he gave me the first birthday presents I ever got: a box of Cracker Jacks and a can of ABC shoe polish.

Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.

Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.

If I had my whole life to live over again, I don't think I'd have the strength.

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.