Being your own man does not mean taking advantage of anyone else.

When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not.

My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?

What you see is what you get.

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

My happiest memory of childhood was my first birthday in reform school. This teacher took an interest in me. In fact, he gave me the first birthday presents I ever got: a box of Cracker Jacks and a can of ABC shoe polish.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.