Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.

My happiest memory of childhood was my first birthday in reform school. This teacher took an interest in me. In fact, he gave me the first birthday presents I ever got: a box of Cracker Jacks and a can of ABC shoe polish.

What you see is what you get.

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

Violence is a tool of the ignorant.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.