The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

With all the trouble black people have, they try to forget on weekends. You've got to be good to make them laugh.

Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.

Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.