Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.
Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.
Violence is a tool of the ignorant.
What you see is what you get.
When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not.
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.