If you're going to America, bring your own food.

I have a hard time writing. Most writers have a hard time writing. I have a harder time than most because I'm lazier than most. I don't want to brag, but I'm the laziest person I have ever known.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

What I can't be is monogamous. That tends to upset people. I just don't like domestic life.

Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.

I believe in talking behind peoples' backs. That way, they hear it more than once.

Commercials and sometimes other guests - it's the down side of TV. Other people - it's the downside of life in general.