[On not reading newspapers:] If something important happens, your mother calls you.

When I saw a phone on a plane for the first time, I panicked ... I thought people were going to call me.

You can be nasty when you are young, but you really have to be older to achieve bitterness.

Technological innovation has done great damage ... to eating habits. Food is now available in such unpleasant forms that one frequently finds smoking between courses to be an aid to digestion.

Life is so absurd now that it is almost impossible to be a satirist in this era.

A hobby is, of course, an abomination, as are all consuming interests and passions that do not lead directly to large, personal gain.

Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.