Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a Lesbian.

It would also have been helpful to have gone to a Catholic grammar school. The only people who know grammar are those people who went to Catholic grammar school. Those nuns beat it into them.

[On not reading newspapers:] If something important happens, your mother calls you.

What starts love is your ability to stupefy and blind yourself to the point of being able to fall in love. What stops it is waking up.

Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness.

If I lived in another country, like a country that was, say, an enemy of the United States, I would be more amused than I am.

I'm very lazy, I hate to work.