All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write.

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.

A dog who thinks he is a man's best friend is a dog who obviously has never met a tax lawyer.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

Instead of writing it wrong six times and then writing it right, I think it wrong six times and then write it right the seventh time.

Life is so absurd now that it is almost impossible to be a satirist in this era.

To lose yourself in a book is the desire of the bookworm. I mean to be taken. That is my desire.