I'm like the laziest person who ever lived. It's amazing to me I even sit up.

Did it ever occur to anyone that if you put nice libraries in public schools you wouldn't have to put them in prisons?

Even if people aren't Republicans, it doesn't seem shocking to them that Ronald Reagan was the president. Well of course, because Arnold Schwarzenegger was the governor! This is not only a bar too low, this is no bar at all. I don't care who you are, you know 20 people smarter than Ronald Reagan. You know 20 people who would be a better president than Ronald Reagan.

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

All of television's appalling, but this is hardly a new statement.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.