I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.