I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."