I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.