I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.