I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.