Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.