Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.