An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.