The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."