The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!