What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.