What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"