I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."