I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.