I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?