I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.