I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.