I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.