I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."