My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.