My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."