My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.