My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.