My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."