A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?