A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"