There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."