A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.