A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.