A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."