I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."