I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.