I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.