A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."