A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.