A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."