My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.