A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."