A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.