A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.