A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?