A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!