A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.