A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.