A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."