A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.