I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.