I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.