I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."