My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.