My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.