Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.