I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.