I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.