I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."