I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.