So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?