So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."