So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.