An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"