An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."