An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."