A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.