People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."