People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.