People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.