Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.