Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.