A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"