A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"