A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.