It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.