It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.